This time it is different… 


I am kinda dreading writing this post, but know at the same time I absolutely have to write this post for myself.  It’s one of the only ways I will get this out of my head and begin to work on me again. 
 I have started and restarted my fitness journey so many times before.  Each time it has been a bit different.   Sometimes was to be skinny, to fit in or wear a certain size or to be happy… because skinny makes you happy right? And like I have said so many times before this never worked for me and I quit or gave up.   Finally about 3 years ago I decided to do it for me and I haven’t once quit or given up.   
I haven’t once said I can’t do that.  My response has been I’ll try.  If I try and I can’t then I modify and know that I damn well will be able to do it one day.   I never once have asked a trainer to end a workout early or have just quit.    Have I felt defeated, yes!  Have I taken breaks, absolutely.  It has been hard coming back from these breaks.   Getting out of my routine makes life hard and I am physically exhausted when I am getting back into things.   
Well the past two and a half months have been an absolute emotional rollercoaster for me!   My mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, I moved home, spent a total of a month in a hospital room and the other time in the bed next to her.  I slept like I had an infant, up every 2-3 hours in the night and no naps during  the day.  I ate like complete shit.   I ate when I could and when I got nauseous I stopped.   Rarely were there normal meals or mealtimes.    I functioned on caffeine, adrenaline, love and fear!   I faught every moment for my mom and found some crazy level of strength that I didn’t know I had.   The few times over these two months that I worked out my body responded as I would expect it to.   It was tired, but capable.   

After mom died I still was running on adrenaline but luckily a little more sleep.   Life slowed down a bit and I returned home.  I was nervous about being here, fears of getting sad and not having my family around, but I was so excited and ready to get back into a routine.   To workout, finally start with my new trainer and cook the way I had become accustomed to eating.  
This has proven to be so much harder than I anticipated.   Last week was the first time ever I look a trainer dead in the eye and said “I can’t do this.”   I then proceed to just say “we have to end the session… I can’t workout anymore.”   I gave up! My body was sore, but it was so much more than that.  I was absolutely exhausted.  My brain hurt!   I was emotionally drained.  I felt like if I lifted that weight one more time I was going to burst into tears and never stop crying.   
I left that session feeling like the biggest failure!   I had just spent the past two months doing  the hardest thing I had ever done in my life and I couldn’t handle an hour workout!!! What was wrong with me?  I didn’t attempt to go to the gym again at all that week.  
I have spent a lot of time thinking about this over this week and processing how hard simple tasks were for me.   I needed a nap after hanging clothes on hangers… not in my closet… just on the hangers!   Meal planning wasn’t even an option.  I went to the store and bought the easiest things in the world to make becaus cooking was and is the last thing I want to do.   
I have come to the realization that it is going to just be different this time.   My body is exhausted, physically and emotionally and that’s okay!    I am grieving.  Not in the way I expected to but again that’s okay!   I gave up at the gym and I am actually okay with that!   I don’t know how to not be.  
Tonight I went to the gym with the plan or doing 15 mins on the elliptical and then bodyflow.  I started getting really angry around the 12 minute mark because my body was hating me.   I pushed myself and finished 20 mins and went into flow.   I was able to do some things the same as before, other better and some not as well.  I took a deep breath, squashed that voice in my head that was trying to tell me that I was a failure and just tried to be proud of myself for finishing the class.   
Tomorrow I have a training session again.  My plan is to walk into it the same way I always have, ready to work and not give up.   If I can’t do it, then I will listen to my body, re-evaluate and move forward.  I don’t think I can look at it as quitting if I end early.  I think I am just looking for what my new normal is and it might take me longer to get there than I thought I would.   I know will get it back–it just might take time and look different this time.   How could it not?? 

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