I am kinda dreading writing this post, but know at the same time I absolutely have to write this post for myself. It’s one of the only ways I will get this out of my head and begin to work on me again.
I have started and restarted my fitness journey so many times before. Each time it has been a bit different. Sometimes was to be skinny, to fit in or wear a certain size or to be happy… because skinny makes you happy right? And like I have said so many times before this never worked for me and I quit or gave up. Finally about 3 years ago I decided to do it for me and I haven’t once quit or given up.
I haven’t once said I can’t do that. My response has been I’ll try. If I try and I can’t then I modify and know that I damn well will be able to do it one day. I never once have asked a trainer to end a workout early or have just quit. Have I felt defeated, yes! Have I taken breaks, absolutely. It has been hard coming back from these breaks. Getting out of my routine makes life hard and I am physically exhausted when I am getting back into things.
Well the past two and a half months have been an absolute emotional rollercoaster for me! My mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, I moved home, spent a total of a month in a hospital room and the other time in the bed next to her. I slept like I had an infant, up every 2-3 hours in the night and no naps during the day. I ate like complete shit. I ate when I could and when I got nauseous I stopped. Rarely were there normal meals or mealtimes. I functioned on caffeine, adrenaline, love and fear! I faught every moment for my mom and found some crazy level of strength that I didn’t know I had. The few times over these two months that I worked out my body responded as I would expect it to. It was tired, but capable.
After mom died I still was running on adrenaline but luckily a little more sleep. Life slowed down a bit and I returned home. I was nervous about being here, fears of getting sad and not having my family around, but I was so excited and ready to get back into a routine. To workout, finally start with my new trainer and cook the way I had become accustomed to eating.
This has proven to be so much harder than I anticipated. Last week was the first time ever I look a trainer dead in the eye and said “I can’t do this.” I then proceed to just say “we have to end the session… I can’t workout anymore.” I gave up! My body was sore, but it was so much more than that. I was absolutely exhausted. My brain hurt! I was emotionally drained. I felt like if I lifted that weight one more time I was going to burst into tears and never stop crying.
I left that session feeling like the biggest failure! I had just spent the past two months doing the hardest thing I had ever done in my life and I couldn’t handle an hour workout!!! What was wrong with me? I didn’t attempt to go to the gym again at all that week.
I have spent a lot of time thinking about this over this week and processing how hard simple tasks were for me. I needed a nap after hanging clothes on hangers… not in my closet… just on the hangers! Meal planning wasn’t even an option. I went to the store and bought the easiest things in the world to make becaus cooking was and is the last thing I want to do.
I have come to the realization that it is going to just be different this time. My body is exhausted, physically and emotionally and that’s okay! I am grieving. Not in the way I expected to but again that’s okay! I gave up at the gym and I am actually okay with that! I don’t know how to not be.
Tonight I went to the gym with the plan or doing 15 mins on the elliptical and then bodyflow. I started getting really angry around the 12 minute mark because my body was hating me. I pushed myself and finished 20 mins and went into flow. I was able to do some things the same as before, other better and some not as well. I took a deep breath, squashed that voice in my head that was trying to tell me that I was a failure and just tried to be proud of myself for finishing the class.
Tomorrow I have a training session again. My plan is to walk into it the same way I always have, ready to work and not give up. If I can’t do it, then I will listen to my body, re-evaluate and move forward. I don’t think I can look at it as quitting if I end early. I think I am just looking for what my new normal is and it might take me longer to get there than I thought I would. I know will get it back–it just might take time and look different this time. How could it not??
betty Gets Fit 